Tuesday, February 2, 2016

A failed attempt, to forget!

The wind soared as the night fell, the evening lights and sounds of generators and barking dogs somewhere along the road was melody to his pain, along with the sound of silence in his heart! He looked at his watch,  a digital watch that he bought of the footpath shoed 19:43 Pm. It was pretty late into the night, with the next turn he'd end up inside an alley that leads into his home. The dark alley is darkest as darkness can be, enticing fears even in non believer that he is. He took his mobile out of this jeans pocket, he needed the flashlight as it almost impossible for him too see anything. Right when he was about to turn in the light he tripped on the speed breaker, his  phone slipped from his hand and fell on the ground with a crackling sound. It was pitch dark for him to see the battery, so he ran his finger on the ground, and found the casing first, and the battery and finally the body, shattered in the dark , where he was left out to seek something he list in a complete darkness much more like his life. He lived in a darkness called life where all of his dreams were lost and shattered to pieces. There was nothing right going in this life. Even in darkness he managed to put the phone back together, struggling with the battery for a short time. He started walking towards his home with mobile flash light leading the way! It was almost 8 when he reached home.
After freshening up and quick dinner, he called it  day, but it would still take him an hour or two to fall asleep. He just stared towards the dark ceiling, where he saw tiny sparks of his dreams fading slowly with every breath. Even in darkness, at times her face lit up in the thin air, like clouds they passed him, as she smiles and fades into the darkness. While he was deep into his thought, his phone rings, a call from a close friend.
"Hello, how are you holding up?"
"I’m doing good" he replies
"Well I can certainly sense it in your voice, don't hide!! You can always talk to me"
"I know that" he says with forced excitement
"You have to move on! Try distracting yourself! Have you tried meditating?" The friend adds, " It works, I have friends who tried that and got through stress problems"
"You know that I don't believe in these stuff!!
"Well at least try it once, there's no harm in it!! Even if you don't believe in it, it can at least distract you for sometime!"
"I’ll think about it , I'll talk to you later, good night" he cut the phone off
He back to staring in the ceiling staring at his dream, staring at her.... but he knew it that the more he thought about her the more harder it would be for him. He tried distracting, but nothing worked. Then he thought about trying meditation. But he knew nothing about it, so he looked in the internet for different methods of meditation. He learned about the techniques and philosophy behind the concept of meditation. About how one can control innerself with thoughts. He went deeper and deeper, learning more and more about meditation. After few hours of research he tried meditating  but couldn't stop thinking about her at all. He kind of knew that meditation did not work. He looked at his mobile and saw that it was almost midnight...he turned his phone off and closed his eyes!!

The new morning brought a new day, yet for him, the old memories tagged along, he woke up early in the morning at 3 am with a nightmare and couldn’t sleep. So he decided to try meditating, in the silence of the morning. He closed his eyes, and tried to concentrate on a void, tried to think about nothing, while trying to think about not thinking anything, he knew it was a tricky business. For a second he did think about her, tried hard to forget, the more he tried the more he thought about her, about her hair, her smile, her voice, but after constantly trying to concentrate on not thinking about anything, he finally succeed and he found his void, he found his inner silence. He didn’t even realize that it was already 6:13 am when he finally opened his eyes, and he felt good, infact very good that morning. He got up from his bed, went to kitchen, prepared breakfast and then went about his daily activities. That day whenever he was free, he looked in the internet about various methods of meditation, he read articles about how meditating could control your brain waves, how they could possibly alter the various activities, these stuffs were a bit farfetched for his scientific brain, yet he was not in a place to judge, all he wanted was a rescue from recurring thoughts of her. Desperate measures in desperate times, as people say, he was desperate enough to try anything possible. He read a very interesting article on how one could reach inside the brain, how one can direct its soul inside own body and reach the brain center and change the memories inside the brain. It was like plot right out of some Sci-fi movie from him. He spent a long time reviewing the article specially on that method.

Later that night, he turned off all the lights in his room, closed the windows, insulated the small openings in his door and window, made his room sound proof and started meditating, In hope of reaching the brain center and erasing the thoughts about her. He tried for hours but nothing happened, he was about to give up but right before he stopped, he felt as if his inner self was inside his body, but lost it soon enough as his concentration was broken, thinking about if he should stop. He again tried for hours, and finally he felt that his whole inner self, or soul as people call it, inside his body, the amusing part was, he felt as if his real body was inside his body and he couldn’t feel his actual body that’s resting on the outside. The first thing he saw was a network, filled with sparks, that looked like a sky filled with fireworks, it looked beautiful. Strings and strings of colorful jellyfish like network with continuous sparks, but before he could enjoy the marvellous sight in front of him, he was swept away by a thick fluid, a thick reddish fluid, that was flowing with strong current, he was scared, he tried to grab anything that he could, but he failed, with a gush, he entered a dark chambers, completely embedded in the dark liquid, and he could feel the compartment expanding and relaxing, and with each of those contraction and relaxation, he could feel that the fluid is being forced out of the compartment, he tried to hold on the a string of fibres near him, he grabbed anything he could find and started looking for an opening, he felt a flap opening, but before he could make up what it was the fluid pushed him outside the compartment and he again started flying through the tube like vessel submerged in the red dense fluid. This time it travelled a longer duration than before, the vessel started tapering at the and reached a compartment, he was thrown down into a circular compartment, where he rotated along with the the fluid for sometime and exited out of through a smaller vessel, and he could sense that certain fluids were going out of the vessel and entering the vessel at the same time. Again he was pushed along the vessel, but this time he somehow could manage to grab onto a small perfusion and got out of the vessel. As soon as he got out of the vessel, he fell into a large chamber, it was dark, and filled with hair like processes, tonnes of it, he fell in the corner of two processes like that, he climbed to the top of that hill like structure and saw that the whole chamber was filled with it, and most of the chamber was filled with stuff. He again started looking for some opening but instead he was pushed down by a large chunk of substance to another vessel, this time there was fluid like before but had solid substances, he could the diameter of the vessels changing, and the it went up and down and sidewise before reaching a dead end, that’s what he thought, it was like swamp and he couldn’t move at all, he tried, he was stuck here for a long time, and before he almost lost his hopes, he saw a light at the end of the vessel, he hurried towards the end, and with a gush of wind he was forced outside and he fell hard on a pool of water.

That’s when he woke up and realized, that he felt asleep trying to meditate hard enough to reach his brain and deleting the memories. He realized, that life is a process, and all we feel, all we are nothing but a machine and our body constantly functions like a machine does and we can’t change anything about it from the outside, just by concentrating enough. Nothing but time and determination can change how we feel and from that day forward, he moved on slowly and gradually.

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