Voices

I looked at the pavements on the floor in silence, aimlessly, thoughtlessly, may be with a little thought, I guess without that not even silence can exist. The patterns there nothing new, not systematic enough, but they had existence now, and they’re there. Bricks upon bricks, meaningless yet meaningful. Confusing, I thought to myself, just like everything in nature, everything in life.

The randomization amused me, even forms, those who laid the bricks must have tried to find a systematic method to it but I guess he got tired because nothing is near to perfection, just as she wasn’t. My mind was about to be deviated towards her, that wasn’t something I was looking for, I needed a deviation away from here, I tried to distract me from thoughts, the more I tried to distract the more it let me to her. I looked at the bricks, the pattern…. Think….think I said myself, think about something else…..I looked towards the floor again and realized I had an empty glass on the floor, I needed another cup of Hot lemon. “Didi arko ek cup banaidinusna” I’m a regular customer there so I don’t need to mention anything else, she’ll understand, she was just stranger to me and she understood me at least with something, but a person who was close to me for such a long time never understood me, may be that is how it works. Again..distract….distract… a voice inside cried out loud. I could hear a voice inside me, I know I’m not talking but yet I hear voices inside me that resembles me, resembles my alter ego, there’s definitely two person inside me, one who tries to move on in life and one who loves the past, regardless how dark it is.  How do I hear my inner-self? Is it really talking? Can I hear others? May be these women in front of me, I guess I can hear the inner voice? Let me try…..

Right then, a glass shattered, and broke the silence in my imagination. There was this person in front of me, just a form, I could make that she was girl….

“Can I talk to you if you don’t mind?” She asked

I knew she was girl because she had girls voice, this form, I don’t know I just don’t remember her face, I just know she was a girl.

“ I was sitting over there and couldn’t help but notice that you were sitting alone, and that something is bothering you…

I have no idea how she knew that, I was about to ask but she continued.

….Bothering you because you’ve drank more than 11 cups of hot lemon and have done nothing but stare at ground wondering about those patterns of the bricks I presume.

Now she really got my attention, how did she knew? Was she hearing my inner voices like I thought about hearing others? How did she know?

“Don’t worry you’ll get through…She kept talking not letting talk at all…. Through it, there’s always a silver lining.

Finally I stopped her and asked, Who are you? Do I know you? Partly angry

She just didn’t care, and went on…you motivated, you arrogant, but motivated, you know you can and will do better, stop being sad….Bring out the pervious person in you, the fun person, the happy person. Feelings and emotions, they are like dreams, it’s all in your head and they come and go as you please, I know it’s hard but it’s not achievable if you try…I know you’ll never forget her, moving on is not forgetting her, its remembering her and to be able to live with the fact that she’s not yours anymore, she has a life and it was her decision, you can’t force someone to love you! But you can force yourself to stop loving someone.

She really started to piss me off

“You need to be strong, there’s so much to do in life….”

I stopped her, and asked

“Tell me who are you or I’ll stop talking”

She replied,

“Just like the other person inside you, beside you, I’m just another you”

I looked around for the person she talked about, beside me, there was no one, just those two women from before and no one, I looked behind me, no one! I looked back towards the girl, she wasn’t there. She was gone, my thoughts ran heavy, my eyes started looking for her but she was nowhere….There were few people lining outside Sankata temple, few couples feeding the pigeons but she was nowhere to be see.

Then I heard a voice

“Is something wrong?” the tea lady said

No, nothing wrong didi, I replied, why?

She said, because you’ve been talking to yourself for the last few minutes